Social anxieties

I have absolutely no doubt that there is one aspect of AS that stands out above everything else as being tough to deal with.

I mean... there are good points and bad points to the condition. But this one point actually eclipses everything else. It damages existing relationships and prevents new ones from forming in the first place. It can be almost intolerable when it's at its worst excesses. And it never stops being a nagging doubt, even when it's at its mildest.

I am high functioning. This means that I come across as "normal" most of the time, although people generally perceive me to be "a bit weird". Some people see the creativity and the flexibility in the weirdness and they like it, while others just become wary and back off. Either way - because I'm clearly functioning well and because I'm clearly intelligent, they don't make allowances for the fact that there's a condition that makes regular things to be a bit challenging. And it's social interaction that I find to be MOST challenging.

So... that's where this element comes in... this bit that eclipses everything else. I don't know what constitutes normal behaviour a lot of the time. If I'm with a bunch of friends, I don't know if I'm overstaying my welcome, so I tend to leave the group early to avoid making that mistake. And then, to avoid being too much of a pest, I don't get in touch with them until I'm invited to rejoin the group or attend some other social event. And they don't know I have these doubts, so they might believe the invitation is implicit, so it never comes. It's been suggested that I let them know of my concerns, but that doesn't work either - because then I'm soliciting an invitation and that's even worse. After all, then I start worrying that I've only been invited because I made it uncomfortable and difficult for them to exclude me.

This can actually be socially crippling.

So I tend to put forward a strong persona. One that I can hide behind. It's not a lie - it's an extension of my genuine personality and although details may be exaggerated, there's nothing made up. It's more like the sensitivities and the subtleties are played down a bit. I think this is so that I can convince myself that any rejection - whether perceived or otherwise - isn't really that important and doesn't really matter all that much.

I try not to let people get too close. I try not to let them get past my defences. I try to keep them at arm's length. And then, occasionally, someone does get close and I love it. I let them in, wholeheartedly and without reservation. I become enamoured and fascinated and want to spend as much time as possible with that person. I want to find out everything and exchange all my fantasies and discover all the common ground and share our plans and find out if it's possible to bring those plans together.

And then, inevitably, the self-doubt creeps in. Am I being a pest? Am I getting too much in the person's face? Should I back off a bit and let that person have some space? Am I just being too full-on? Am I imposing myself too much and just getting to be a little bit creepy?

The recurring issue - and the one I have most trouble with - is striking a balance between being too full-on (and therefore generally wearing people down) or too distant (and therefore alienating them). This can translate to all sorts of comparisons. It's like being needy versus being aloof. Or, when hanging around at a friend's house, it's like outstaying my welcome versus leaving too early when there's still plenty fun to be had. Spotting the differences and identifying the moderate approach can be very difficult.

I see my nephew having similar problems. Not because he's AS, but because he's a teenager - but the comparison is there. I have to point out to him when he's taking a joke too far, for example. Just because something starts out funny, doesn't mean it's still funny ten minutes later. And I always hope that people are prepared to let me know when I've gone too far with something, too.

Everything's going to be fine. I know that. I'm aware that I have AS and that has a tendency to bring on repetitive thinking patterns - which can lead on to obsessive thinking patterns - which can lead on to a tendency to absolutely scrutinise things and become paranoid as a result. I just need to get self-doubts under control and keep some confidence in what I have. I live with the condition. It doesn't have to rule me.