I'm very skinny - although I generally prefer to use the word "athletic" because it sounds better. I'm also very tall, so I look even skinnier. And I know that I'm underweight for my height. In fact, my weight and my waist size haven't changed since I was about thirteen.
I don't think I'm bad for it, though. I'm not scrawny, exactly. I'm rangy. And I have good abs. I was at a party a couple of nights ago and a friend stepped up behind me and - in a playfully camp gesture - put his arms round me. He's a funny guy. Then he sort of exclaimed in surprise and commented on how "tight" my abs were. I nodded modestly, slapped my stomach and agreed.
I don't deserve this build. I didn't do a lot of exercise before my car accident and I do even less, now. I do a lot of walking, though. I mean a LOT of walking. But I don't run or jog or lift weights. I have a very fast metabolism and I think that's what's responsible for my build.
Anyway, I was at a different party one time and a girl - a junkie - cornered me and started talking about how skinny I was. It started out slightly irritating, but quickly degenerated into actually being offensive. She told me - over and over again - about how she knew all about eating disorders and it was clear that she was making a specific point. When I didn't acknowledge it, she finally openly told me that I was clearly anorexic.
I'd ignored all her hints, but protested when it was a direct challenge. My protests were brushed aside, though; she simply started challenging me to tell her exactly what I'd eaten that day and the day before. I was actually being interrogated about my eating habits by this girl who barely even had the intellectual capacity required to carry on the conversation.
I had no intention of justifying myself to her. Answering one question merely led to that answer being scrutinised for flaws and then a fresh question being presented. So after a while, I started refusing to answer. But she interpreted my frustration as being evasive.
Another complication was that I couldn't actually remember what I'd eaten lately. Ask me anything like that and I will have to pause for a couple of minutes to think back. This is one of the ways in which AS affects me. My memory is exceptionally unreliable. At that time, though, I didn't know I had AS, so couldn't give an adequate reason for my faulty memory - and so this girl just assumed I was making things up.
All attempts extricate myself from this interrogation - and it WAS an interrogation - just had her pressing her point further. I started off polite, then let my irritation show, then became downright rude - and still she wouldn't let it go. Finally, she returned to the question of what I'd eaten the day before and actually demanded answers. She said I needed help and she was determined to make me face up to that. This fucking junkie was getting in my face and telling me I had problems.
By now, I was getting angry enough that other people in the room were becoming aware of the conversation. My friend started making jokes at my expense, while the host looked at me and told me to "fucking chill out". I was ready to leave - to actually storm out of the party - but I had promised my friend I would see her home and she clearly had no intention of leaving. So now I was mad at her and at the host as well as the haggard little troll who had cornered me.
The bitch finally decided that maybe she'd pressed me too hard and tried to shake my hand. Now, it'll take a lot to get me to be so blatantly full-on rude as this, but I publicly and openly rejected her peace offer - there was no way I was going to shake her hand. But her whining, nasal Ned tone wheedled away at me while a couple of people started talking about how childish I was being - despite having missed the entirety of her conversation until then - and eventually I buckled and accepted her clammy handshake with poor grace.
And almost immediately she started explaining - in true Ned style - exactly why she had come to that anorexia conclusion in the first place. And since the attention of the room had drifted away from us in that moment, I suddenly had her full and undivided attention once more. And within about five minutes, I realised I was still having to justify my physique to her.
I can't stand to be cornered. I can't stand to be interrogated. Nobody enjoys these moments, but I was actually seething in rage by this point and eventually I just withdrew. I stopped answering, I stopped responding and I just became very still. She spoke, she wheedled, she questioned, she whined and she protested. But I was simply no longer part of the conversation.
My friend has told me that I'm very aloof and condescending, sometimes. She says it doesn't take much for me to become absolutely inscrutable. I present a blank face - a sort of glacial exterior that really intimidates people. Sometimes - like at this party - it's intentional. A form of defence. But apparently I do it at other times, too. When people irritate me, the eyes go cold and the jaw sets and I actually become like a different person.
To be honest, I'm pretty sure my friend exaggerates this. She has occasionally had her own agenda when she's felt the need to point out my flaws, so I'm not sure how reliable her opinion is. I have, however, seen people flinch on occasion when they've said the wrong thing and then spotted my response. It's rare... but it does happen.
I might need to return to this post and edit it, later... I'm not sure how much sense I'm making.
No comments:
Post a Comment