Brief summary

I worked as a massage therapist until 2009, when a car accident left me with long term whiplash and effectively ended my career. Round about that time, I found out that I'd had Asperger's Syndrome my entire life - a discovery that explained a lot of the earlier difficulties and challenges I'd had. Since then... well, that's what this blog is exploring.

Monday 16 December 2013

Fixers

Hello, Kobi

I spoke to you at Crew 2000, last week and was very interested in what you had to say.  I wasn't sure if I had a reason to be there at first, but when you spoke about the age range being relaxed for people with learning disabilities, I realised I might be able to get involved.

I don't know if my thoughts might be relevant, here.  I have a hard time absorbing lots of information all at once, and there were times when I was thinking about my own ideas rather than listening to what you were saying.  Sometimes I tune people out a bit, and it can appear to be rude, so sorry about that.  This also means that I might be about to make suggestions that are completely out of step with what Fixers helps people with - and you may have already covered that last week.  And I have a suspicion that some of my thoughts are too specific to me personally, so might not be workable.  That's all cool.  But I figure the only way I can find out is to ask you.

Anyway, my thoughts are not related to my work at Crew.  They're more connected with the difficulties I've been experiencing with my autism.  I have a small business, that is doing OK - but could be doing a lot better, with the right promotion.  Viral marketing would be amazing.  If you can't work with one person's self-promotion - and I completely understand if that's the case - then I still believe that the difficulties of autistic people could still benefit from a bit of awareness.

I have a lot of experience with varying degrees of public speaking.  I used to be an assistant team leader with the Prince's Trust Volunteers and I've done a bit of work promoting a friend's business in Glasgow.  In my current business, I arrange art classes for groups of girls - mostly hen nights, but also birthday parties, retirement parties and things like that.  This is more about entertainment than education, though, because the girls really just want to have a laugh and see a naked man.  So I'm the centre of attention at these events, where I have to set up drawing challenges, rely on a bit of banter and entertain the girls for an hour or so.  I've had to deal with some tough crowds in the past, and have always managed to do a good job.  So, in varying forums, I am very comfortable with standing up, talking and interacting.  This is not a characteristic that's all that common among autistic people, by the way.  And for me, it's been a learned characteristic rather than a natural one.  I had to overcome some personal challenges along the way.

You can read a bit more about the business here, if you're interested.

There are a variety of things I believe I could do with the right promotion - and they're all things I feel I'm very suited to do, if I can just get started.

I can speak publicly about autism.  I would be giving people a personal insight into the condition and how it applies to me.  This can also cover the general misconceptions and can touch on how some details can vary wildly from one person to another.  There are a lot of people these days who are speaking about autism, but I believe that we should also be able to speak for ourselves.

I can speak about the difficulties in business promotion.  This is something that is particularly relevant to me, because of my own business.  But the employment statistics where they apply to autistic people are disproportionate to where they apply to neurotypicals (that's the word for you "normal" people).   So when an autistic person finds it more difficult and has to overcome more challenges to even get into work at all, then someone like me - with a moderately successful business - is in even more of a minority.

I can speak about my art.  I have a profile here, if you're curious.  This is also relevant to my autism, because it came about as part of what was - quite literally - a life changing experience.  In 2009, I was in a car crash which damaged my shoulder and ended my previous career - a job which was taking up a minimum of sixty hours every week.  When I suddenly found myself with too much free time on my hands, I filled it with digital photography and digital editing.  The car crash in 2009 was a near-death experience and a catalyst for a lot of changes.  That sounds melodramatic, but it's still completely true.

(In fact, all the speaking options touch on 2009 in varying degrees - the relevance of it can't be understated.)

It might also be relevant that I taught myself some video editing techniques using my Mac and made up a couple of videos.  I've posted a couple of them on my YouTube profile.  One of them is a slideshow I made up from pictures of my brain that were taken a few months ago - part of a study in autism.  A couple of them are something I made up with my cousin a few months ago - we had a few drinks, recorded ourselves and I edited the footage a couple of days later.  That one gets a bit sweary, though.  And the others are a couple of musical slideshows I made up.

I know there's a lot in this email - and that it probably sounds pretty chaotic.  And I realise that it's probably outside of what you were discussing last week.  But I'm still hopeful that we can pick up something and make it work.  I hope you get back to me with your thoughts.  I'm keen to see if we can get a project going.

Graham

Friday 25 January 2013

Brain gender

These are my results on the BBC's Brain Sex ID test.

Part One

 Angles

This task tested your ability to identify the angle of a line by matching it with its twin. This is a spatial task, which looks at how you picture space.
  • Your score: 12 out of 20
  • Average score for men: 15.1 out of 20
  • Average score for women: 13.3 out of 20
If you scored 0 - 12: You have more of a female brain. Scientists believe that people with a female brain find it more difficult to judge the slope of a line because they're not wired for spatial tasks. In past studies, 65 per cent of people who scored in this range were women.

If you scored 13 - 17: You found this test neither hard nor easy. This suggests your brain has male and female traits when it comes to spatial ability.

If you scored 18 - 20: You have more of a male brain. On average, men outperform women in this task and those with more mathematical knowledge tend to score quite high as well. In past studies, 60 per cent of the people in this range were men.

Interestingly, men's testosterone levels fluctuate through the seasons and studies have shown that men's scores are lower in the spring, when their testosterone levels are at their lowest.

Spot the difference

This task tested your ability to identify which objects changed position. You lost points, if you incorrectly identified objects.
  • Your score: 57%
  • Average score for men: 39% 
  • Average score for women: 46% 
If you scored between 0 - 33%: You may have more of a male brain. Scientists say men tend to under perform in this task. The corpus callosum, the part of the brain that links the right and left hemispheres, is a fifth larger in women. This means women can process visual and other signals at the same time more easily than men. There is also a theory that oestrogen levels in women give them an added advantage in spatial memory.

If you scored between 34 - 66%: You may have a balanced female-male brain.

If you scored between 67 - 100%: Those with a female-type brain generally score in this range. Your ability to remember where objects are may serve as an advantage to you when you're trying to find your way around places. You're more capable of recalling landmarks to get from one place to another.

Part 2

Hands

You said your left thumb was on top when you clasped your hands together.

Right thumb on top: This suggests the left half of your brain is dominant. Many studies have tried to establish whether there is a relationship between handedness and brain dominance. Some scientists believe that if you are left brain dominant, you would be more verbal and analytical.

Left thumb on top: This suggests the right half of your brain is dominant. Some studies theorise that as a right brain dominant person, you may excel in visual, spatial and intuitive processes.

However, these theories are debatable and leave much to be said about the small percentage of people who are ambidextrous.

Part 3

Emotions and Systems

This task looked at whether you prefer to empathise or systemise.
  • Your empathy score is: 7 out of 20
  • Average score for men: 7.9 out of 20
  • Average score for women: 10.6 out of 20
Empathisers are better at accurately judging other people's emotions and responding appropriately. If you scored 15 and above, you are very empathic and would be an ideal person to comfort people in a time of crisis. Women in general are better at empathising.

Systemising
  • Your systemising score is: 9 out of 20
  • Average score for men: 12.5 out of 20
  • Average score for women: 8.0 out of 20
Systemisers prefer to investigate how systems work. A system can be a road map, flat pack furniture, or a mathematical equation – anything that follows a set of rules. A score of 15 and above suggests you're good at analysing or building systems. Men in general are better at systemising.

Scientists are keen to learn more about people who score high or low on both tests. They want to find out whether or not empathising and systemising are linked.

Eyes
  • Your score: 6 out of 10
  • Average score for men: 6.6 out of 10
  • Average score for women: 6.6 out of 10
If you scored 0 - 3: Do you think you're good at judging how another person is feeling? Your score suggests this doesn't come to you quite so naturally.

If you scored 4 - 6: Your result suggests you have a balanced female-male brain and find it neither easy nor difficult to judge people's emotions.

If you scored 7 - 10: Your result suggests you are a good empathiser, sensitive to other people's emotions. Women generally fall into this category.

Professor Baron-Cohen at the University of Cambridge says that people usually perform better than they expect to on this test.

Part 4

Fingers

We asked you to measure your ring and index fingers. Your ratios came to:


  • Right Hand: 1.07
  • Left Hand: 1.04
  • Average ratio for men: 0.98
  • Average ratio for women: 0.991
It's thought that your ratio is governed by the amount of testosterone you were exposed to in your mother's womb. The ratio of the length of your index finger to the length of your ring finger is set for life by as early as three months after conception. Even during puberty, when we experience intensive hormonal changes, the ratio stays the same.

Men generally have a ring finger that is longer than their index finger, which gives them a lower ratio than women, whose ring and index fingers are usually of equal length.

Part 5

Faces

This task looked at how you rate the attractiveness of a series of faces. The images you looked at were digitally altered to create slight differences in masculinity.

Your choices suggest you prefer slightly more masculine faces.

Highly masculinised male faces possess more extreme testosterone markers such as a long, broad and lower jaw, as well as more pronounced brow ridges and cheekbones.

Interestingly, women's preferences are said to vary across the menstrual phase. A more masculine face is preferred during the 9 days prior to ovulation, when conception is most likely.

A typical 'attractive' female face possesses features such as a shorter, narrower, lower jaw, fuller lips and larger eyes than an average face.

Part 6

3D shapes

This task tested your ability to mentally rotate 3D shapes.
  • Your score: 9 out of 12 
  • Average score for men: 8.2 out of 12
  • Average score for women: 7.1 out of 12
If you scored 0 - 6: Do you find yourself having to physically rotate a map to point in the direction in which you're travelling? This might explain why you scored in the lower range in the 3D shapes test. Twice as many women as men score in this category. Previous studies suggest that those with a female-type brain or with an arts background fall into this range.

If you scored 7 - 9: In past studies, 50 per cent of the people who scored in this range were women and 50 per cent were men.

If you scored 10 - 12: Are you an engineer or do you have a science background? People with these skills tend to score in this range. Past studies have concluded that people in this range have a more male brain.

Nearly a third of men who took this test got full marks, whereas less than 10 per cent of women managed the same.

Words

This task looked at your verbal fluency.

Your score: you associated 12 word(s) with grey and you named 10 word(s) that mean happy. We are assuming that all the words you entered are correct.


  • Average score for men: 11.4 words total
  • Average score for women: 12.4 words total

If you produced 1 - 5 words: You are more of the strong, silent type with a male brain. You probably find it easier to express yourself in non-verbal ways, preferring action rather than words.

If you produced 6 - 10 words: Most people in this range have a female-type brain.

Women are said to use both sides of the brain when doing verbal tasks while men mainly use their left side. Studies have shown that girls develop vocabulary faster than boys. This difference in brain power is caused by levels of pre-natal testosterone.

Ultimatum

This task asked you how you would divide money.

If you had to split £50 with someone, you said you would demand £25.

So far on the Sex ID test, men have demanded 51.6% (£25.80) of the pot and women have demanded 51.0% (£25.50), on average.

Sex differences are small in this task. Demanding less than 60% of the pot (ie £30) is more typically female. Demanding more than 65% of the pot (ie £32.50) is more typically male.

Scientists believe that people with lower testosterone levels tend to take fewer risks so they are probably more willing to keep less for themselves. Those with higher testosterone levels tend to drive a harder bargain and are less compromising.

Men's testosterone levels fluctuate over the seasons and are at their lowest levels during the springtime. This is said to influence their bargaining power.

Wednesday 23 January 2013

We all have our scars

Photography: G. Farquhar
Model: G. Farquhar
Digital editing: G. Farquhar




I started First Year at Powis Academy in Aberdeen, less than a year after my little brother died. At the time, I was suffering a great deal, but had no way of expressing it – instead I bottled it all up and just carried on with my life. I remember enduring an intense amount of stress and grief and I remember responding to this with a sort of numbness. It was an absolutely horrible time in my life and the only time that ever matched it in sheer intensity was a sequence of events that took place in 2009.

This report card came from my first year at Powis Academy (now known as St. Machar Academy). My mum gave it to me fairly recently, and I was intrigued to notice how the words “tries hard” (or variations of them) kept turning up. I’m described as being “slow” and “struggling”… and the overwhelming impression I get from this card is of a kid who’s essentially… a bit dim. Well-meaning perhaps, but simply not up to the tasks ahead.

At the time, nobody knew I had Asperger’s Syndrome. Everything might have gone very different for me if that had been the case. There was even a time, when boarding school was discussed. And also, for a kid who was desperate to escape from some very harsh realities – at home, at school and basically everywhere I turned – that was an amazing prospect. Also, I had only recently stopped reading Enid Blyton novels, so my impression of boarding school was definitely influenced by those stories. Ultimately, nothing came of the boarding school discussions. But if it had been known that I had Asperger’s Syndrome, that would have definitely tipped the scales in the other direction. So in that area at least, there’s a recognisable element in which my life would have been very different.

In the end, I persevered. Not through strength of will or of character or anything like that. But by enduring every day and week and month until things got better and until all the tragedies and traumas and ordeals were left behind. We all have our scars. Most of us recover from them.

And in 2009 with the car accident and the period of homelessness and the loss of purpose and the end of a career and the convalescence… and the sheer, mind-numbing tedium that was the inevitable result of having nothing to do after I’d grown accustomed to working a sixty hour week. I discovered PhotoShop. I discovered a talent in digital art. I found a new business to get involved in. I was diagnosed as having Asperger’s Syndrome. I found a new purpose – and it is absolutely vital to have some sort of purpose going on.

The car accident was devastating. But it was definitely a catalyst for a lot of other things to happen. They were difficult and stressful and traumatic. But I endured. And things got better.

Tuesday 22 January 2013

Introverts versus autism

I posted this already, but it's very apt.  In fact, most of the points here apply to me so completely that it’s almost frightening. The key word here is "introvert", apparently - and I'm really not sure that one applies to me.  But all the traits described here, could just as easily be myths and facts about Asperger’s Syndrome.  And that definitely does apply to me.

Myth #1 – Introverts don’t like to talk.
This is not true. Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. They hate small talk. Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days.
  • In my case:
  • I genuinely can't stand the polite kind of conversation.  People talking to me just for the sake of it only tends to irritate me.  In fact, I've often put up literal and metaphorical barriers to prevent this sort of thing from happening.  I "hide" behind books or laptops, and adopt various strategies purely to discourage conversation a lot.
Myth #2 – Introverts are shy.
Shyness has nothing to do with being an Introvert. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people. What they need is a reason to interact. They don’t interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking. Don’t worry about being polite.
  • In my case:
  • It might seem like a contradiction to "Myth 1", but it definitely depends on the circumstances.  In the right company, or with the right conversation, I can be scintillating, sparkling, charming, friendly and incredibly modest.
Myth #3 – Introverts are rude.
Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. They want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so Introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting.
  • In my case:
  • I've learned diplomacy over the years.  Not because I wanted to, but because it was a key skill I needed to work on.  I still believe that most diplomacy tends to involve "pretty lies" and I still often fail at it.  Sometimes I fail spectacularly.  But I've definitely become better at it.
Myth #4 – Introverts don’t like people.
On the contrary, Introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life. Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you’re in.
  • In my case:
  • It's true that I don't have a huge amount of friends.  There are people I get on with and people that I enjoy hanging out with.  But there are currently only about three people I will fully and unreservedly consider to be my friends.  I am very protective of them and will tolerate things from them that I will find absolutely unacceptable in other people.  This is something that has developed over time.  Sometimes without me actually noticing.
Myth #5 – Introverts don’t like to go out in public.
Nonsense. Introverts just don’t like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don’t need to be there for long to “get it.” They’re ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts.
  • In my case:
  • This can be variable with me.  I can sometimes absorb a lot of information very quickly, but not always.  I used to joke that I spotted the things that other people missed, but missed the things that absolutely everybody else could see.  My friends wouldn't be able to work out how I made some connections, but once I pointed out my logic, they'd find it to be uncontestable.  I do like to go out.  But I need a reason to do so.  Without such a reason (or an excuse) I could literally stay at home for days.
Myth #6 – Introverts always want to be alone.
Introverts are perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts. They think a lot. They daydream. They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve. But they can also get incredibly lonely if they don’t have anyone to share their discoveries with. They crave an authentic and sincere connection with ONE PERSON at a time.
  • In my case:
  • I can be fairly sociable.  I do like parties.  But only if there's at least one other person there that I enjoy the company of and can talk to.  Someone I already know.  If I'm on my own and if I don't find a connection with anyone else pretty quickly, then I usually won't stay long.  Apart from that, though, I don't struggle too much with social situations.
Myth #7 – Introverts are weird.
Introverts are often individualists. They don’t follow the crowd. They’d prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living. They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm. They don’t make most decisions based on what is popular or trendy.
  • In my case:
  • I've been called weird for my entire life.  I didn't choose to be outlandish or to have different opinions and perspectives from the mainstream - this sort of thing just naturally occurs with me.  It got to the point where I'd call myself weird before other people had a chance to do so.  This became a sort of shield for myself and a warning for other people.  My cousin has the perfect way of introducing me to his friends.  He says "This is Graham.  He's probably going to piss you off."  It's an overstatement and isn't meant to be taken entirely serious, but it still serves as a bit of a warning.
Myth #8 – Introverts are aloof nerds.
Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions. It’s not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them, it’s just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them.
  • In my case:
  • I've been called "arrogant" a lot.  I'm not entirely sure how warranted that is, but I generally accept it, these days and don't try to argue with my accusers.  Which tends to irritate them, which tends to amuse me, which probably proves their point.  But... since I'm choosing not to debate the accusation, the proof probably isn't really required, anyway.
Myth #9 – Introverts don’t know how to relax and have fun.
Introverts typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places. Introverts are not thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies. If there is too much talking and noise going on, they shut down. Their brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Introverts and Extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways. Just look it up.
  • In my case:
  • A curious one.  I actually enjoy some adrenaline pursuits.  I don't like a lot of noise and can suffer from sensory overload at times, but if it's only one sense at a time that's being assaulted - depending on which one it is - I can generally cope pretty well.  I think I have most trouble with tactile elements, but some noises come a pretty close second - and those can actually be genuinely painful.  And I really don't like being crowded.
Myth #10 – Introverts can fix themselves and become Extroverts.
Introverts cannot “fix themselves” and deserve respect for their natural temperament and contributions to the human race. In fact, one study (Silverman, 1986) showed that the percentage of Introverts increases with IQ.
  • In my case:
  • I tried to "fix" myself when I was in my late teens and early twenties. I read a lot about body language and scrutinised the way other people interacted.  I made a strong attempt to emulate speech patterns and ways of behavioural.  I kept this up until those things stopped being affectations and became normal to me.  So they were learned, rather than natural.  But those are just symptoms - not the condition itself.  There is no possibility of "correcting" that.  And, like a lot of people who have something that the mainstream population would consider to be a defect or a disability... I would turn down any offer to "cure" me.  Unless - and this is pure fantasy - I was promised some kind of temporary cure.  Because it would be a fascinating experience, and an amazing insight to be able to think like a neurotypical person just for a little while.  Just so I could walk around inside one of those tiny little minds and find out what all the fuss was about.