Understanding social cues

In the last few days, I've felt increasingly troubled by my poor grasp of some pretty basic social cues.  I had four guests - two sets of French people.  A young couple who took the spare bedroom.  And two sisters who had the sitting room until last night.

Most of the problem, as usual, was my fault.  I spent the weekend at my cousin's place, having finally patched things up with him.  That meant sleeping on the couch, that created some shoulder tension that travelled into my neck and that brought on a migraine.  So, on Tuesday evening, when I got back home, I wasn't at my best.

At first, it was a lot of fun.  We played a game I've been developing, and that got to be pretty lively.  But then, later in the evening, the fourth wave of the migraine washed over me.  I took painkillers and only had a pretty mild headache, but my thinking became cloudy, my vision got pretty weird and I drifted out of the conversation for a while.  When I drifted back in again, everybody was chatting away in French.  I couldn't see an opening for me - not without forcing everyone back into English.  And doing that just felt like it would be arrogant.  One person dictating a conversation that five people were involved in.  So I went to bed.

They'd all been very polite.  They'd repeatedly translated things they'd said to each other and they'd definitely tried to involve me, more than once.  But they were still just translations of snippets of a conversation that I wasn't really a part of, any more.

There were moments throughout the week where we all seemed to have a lot of fun.  But there were also moments where it was a lot clumsier.  Repeatedly, my guests had brought in some beers or some food.  On the first night I had no problem drinking, because I supplied a few beers of my own, but then I ran out of money.  After that, I didn't join in with the drinking or eating, because I couldn't really contribute anything to the meals or buy drinks back.  If I'm eating someone's food or drinking someone's beer, I really like to be able to share.  If not now, then definitely sometime in the near future.

This week, I made an exception to that rule in the mornings, when coffee was offered.  And on the games night, I made a further exception, because I'd made a very slight contribution to the food.  But I didn't drink, because I felt like I'd shamed myself.  Everybody had pooled in some money to contribute to the beer, and my own contribution had been laughably poor; I added less than £2.  I tried to make a joke about how pathetic it was, but it still felt pretty cringeworthy.  A bit too true for it to be funny.  So I decided that if I didn't drink any of it, I didn't need to feel bad about how little I added to the kitty.

At first I made vague excuses when I was asked if I wanted a beer, but I soon realised that excuses weren't necessary.  All I had to say was "no thank you" and the subject was dropped.  That was pretty refreshing, since I didn't need to continually explain myself.  It's amazing how difficult it is to persuade people, sometimes, about the sharing logic.  They usually try to overturn the reasoning with a bit of fresh logic of their own and that just turns into a debate that usually concludes with me becoming a lot less polite.  Not actively rude, but definitely insistent that I'm just not going to take a beer.  I'm told I'm too rigid, sometimes.

So that was another barrier to the socialising.

Then, on Friday we all went out for a few hours.  We'd been planning this for a couple of days, so I'd been looking forward to it.  But then I accidentally got separated from everybody.  I'd got into conversation with a couple of girls who were promoting a play and staging a demonstration.  They were deliberately dressed provocatively and standing out from the crowd - pointing out that the way a woman dresses is not an invitation to sexual assault.  I told them that their message was one that would go down well at Crew.  I asked them for a poster and some flyers, then took those to Crew and suggested they might like to go to the show.  I didn't realise at first that my guests hadn't joined me when I went to Crew, but even then I wasn't initially concerned.  Two of them knew where the place was, and I assumed that were going to follow me there, in a few minutes.  When they didn't, I walked back to where I'd last seen them, but couldn't find them.

Now, that seemed to solve one problem - I was able to go home and get something to eat without having to make excuses when the time came for everybody to stop at a cafe or something.  I was disappointed at losing everybody, but at least I was able to get some toast.  And I figured that they'd get in touch later and we could arrange to meet up somewhere and start again.  But then, when the day went on and on and everybody stayed out, I started to wonder if I'd somehow caused offence.

And then I started replaying that conversation with the two performers.  I started wondering how that might have appeared to my guests.  Only being partially aware of what I do at Crew, they might have interpreted this random conversation with those girls as being a bit sleazy or creepy.  They might have been very offended by it and might have felt a lot more comfortable when I was no longer a part of their group.

Or, as I also suspected, it might have been a lot less awkward and tiring for them to have to continually translate things to the only person in the group who didn't speak French.

Later, when they finally did get back, they reminded me that I could have called one of them on her mobile 'phone.  This had completely slipped my mind.  Probably a good thing, because it was an international number.

And it was about then, that one of my suspicions was confirmed.  One of the girls made a passing reference to being tired out by speaking so much English.  I was amused, rather than offended by her slip, but she was mortified.  I said I was going to go to bed, so they could all relax.  She tried to stop me, and insisted I stay and talk to them, but I insisted that everybody would relax much more easily if they didn't have to accommodate me so much.  I remembered how tiring it was for me, when I was staying with family in Germany.  It was almost physically exhausting.  So I insisted that I wasn't offended and that I completely understood her comment and agreed with it, and I insisted that I was completely happy to leave everybody in peace.

Three of the guests actually came through to my room, shortly after that, and tried very hard to get me to come back and rejoin the conversation.  But I was fully aware by then, of how it would go.  They were naturally going to talk in the language that they were most comfortable with.  And if I was there, they were going to have to constantly translate.  And as we all got more and more tired, the translations were going to become more infrequent and sporadic.

The couple left early on Saturday morning.  And when I got up with the remaining two, I went to Gorgie City Farm with them.  I saw them getting ready to go out and they made a reference to the farm, so I said I'd join them and they agreed.  It was only later, that I got concerned about the fact that I'd just invited myself along.  I had completely barged in on their activity.  By the time that occurred to me, though, it was too late and I couldn't think of a way to back out again, gracefully.  So I got dressed and we all went out.

It was fun, though.  We didn't need to speak a lot.  We were too busy playing with the animals and making jokes to each other.  True - jokes rely on communication.  But the language barrier didn't seem like as much of a restriction this time.

We went back to the flat and I settled in for the next few hours, while the girls went back out again.  I had an art class in the afternoon, and we made arrangements to meet up at it.  I made sure they had the address and knew what time to get there.  Then I settled down and tried to kill a couple of hours.  It occurred to me that if I kept an eye on the time and if I carried the sketchpads with me, I could have gone into town with the girls.  But I didn't want to invade their plans a second time, so I held back from suggesting that.

Later, I got to the venue and set up.  Then, just when I was expecting the girls to arrive, I got a 'phone call from them.  I missed it and tried calling them back and then - after a couple of disconnected and aborted attempts, they finally got through to me.  I didn't get the details clearly, but I understood the gist, which was that they weren't going to make it to the class.  This wouldn't normally have been a big deal, but it was very disappointing, this time.  I knew someone else in Edinburgh who wanted to come to this class, but I hadn't been able to invite her, because two extra people was already pushing the limits.  Now, with those two having dropped out, I tried to get in touch with the other girl, but just couldn't manage it.  It was a very disappointing missed opportunity.

I wrapped up the class, then went home to shower and drop off the sketchpads.  Then I tried calling the girls again.  I figured that since it was their last night in town, then perhaps we could hook up somewhere.  I still wanted to show them round the city a bit, which was something we'd all been planning since the very beginning.  Even if all we did was watch the Festival fireworks and go home again.  They tried calling me once and I tried calling them four times over about four hours.  I got their answering machine twice, the 'phone rang out without being answered once and then I got the answering machine a third time.  At around 9PM, I completely gave up.

They got back shortly after 9PM, but conversation was clearly not comfortable at that point.  They told me they'd seen a comedy show and watched the fireworks and that they'd had a good time.  We didn't talk about the fact that I'd tried calling them.  I was too embarrassed to admit to being so pushy.  And I'm guessing they were too polite to make any kind of reference to it.  I went to my room and left them to pack their things in peace.

And even more disappointingly - if I hadn't tried so hard to join the two girls today, I could have done something else just as fun.  Crew had a barbecue this afternoon.  I missed the first two hours of that, because of the job I had to do, but I could have still turned up at the tail end of it.  If I'd just accepted that I wasn't going to salvage anything with my guests, I could have still had a bit of fun.  I wouldn't have inadvertently created a frosty atmosphere with my guests and there might even have been some food left.

The guests have all been very nice.  They've been very cool people.  And I might have got on with them a lot better, if I hadn't tried so hard to be part of their company.

Reward of all my efforts, my own limited company

It's amazing to me that I got into this business.  The hen night life modelling.  On Monday, Kobi told me that he particularly liked the way I'd rebuilt my own life after the car accident.  Everything had come crashing down and I'd fixed it myself.  He also appreciated the fact that I'm volunteering at Crew 2000.  I've been helping to promote a cause that I believed in.

It's tempting to think that way.  To flatter myself and run with the self-promotion.  But there was a lot more to it than that.  If I hadn't moved back in with my parents and had them take care of the immediate problems - food, shelter and basic survival - I would have kept sinking.  If I hadn't had help from the Cyrenians, I wouldn't have found my flat.  If I hadn't had help from Number 6, I wouldn't have had something to occupy my time and would have still been pretty ignorant about the realities of autism, or would have been stumbling around from one misleading website to another.

And if my mum hadn't loaned me the subscription fee to the RAM website, I wouldn't have started working as a life model.  Which means I wouldn't have proven myself to be capable of sourcing venues, running classes, ordering sketchpads, recruiting staff and a couple of other little details.  So I wouldn't have been offered the business.

I could go either way on that one.  I had definitely demonstrated capabilities, but there wasn't exactly any competition this far north.  I was the only person around.

I've never understood quite where the fine line is between being arrogant and smug about my achievements if I give myself too much credit, or demonstrating a low self-image if I don't give myself enough.  Personally, I think my self-image is pretty good, but I do still like to acknowledge other things that have contributed towards my successes.  This is particularly apt, considering the Scottish school system back in the '70s and '80s were full of teachers who were only too keen to "take you down a peg or two" if they thought you were being too complacent.  And they had a pretty relaxed definition of terms like "complacency" or "arrogance" or any term at all that implied that we students were even remotely pleased with our achievements.  So, some of us learned to demonstrate humility, before we had it thrust upon us.

Anyway, it definitely helps to emphasise that I was in the right place at the right time, so sometimes there's just no substitute for sheer, dumb luck.  Especially since - much more literally - earlier that same year I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  And that car crash, as usual, was the catalyst that led to this position.

So, I found myself in a tough situation, I went back to basics, found an interesting variation on an old theme, ran with that for a while, was offered a good break, grabbed it and started to move on.  A lot of that definitely is down to my own efforts and innovations.  But those efforts would have been useless if I hadn't ever been given the opportunity to use them.

Fixers

Hello, Kobi

I spoke to you at Crew 2000, last week and was very interested in what you had to say.  I wasn't sure if I had a reason to be there at first, but when you spoke about the age range being relaxed for people with learning disabilities, I realised I might be able to get involved.

I don't know if my thoughts might be relevant, here.  I have a hard time absorbing lots of information all at once, and there were times when I was thinking about my own ideas rather than listening to what you were saying.  Sometimes I tune people out a bit, and it can appear to be rude, so sorry about that.  This also means that I might be about to make suggestions that are completely out of step with what Fixers helps people with - and you may have already covered that last week.  And I have a suspicion that some of my thoughts are too specific to me personally, so might not be workable.  That's all cool.  But I figure the only way I can find out is to ask you.

Anyway, my thoughts are not related to my work at Crew.  They're more connected with the difficulties I've been experiencing with my autism.  I have a small business, that is doing OK - but could be doing a lot better, with the right promotion.  Viral marketing would be amazing.  If you can't work with one person's self-promotion - and I completely understand if that's the case - then I still believe that the difficulties of autistic people could still benefit from a bit of awareness.

I have a lot of experience with varying degrees of public speaking.  I used to be an assistant team leader with the Prince's Trust Volunteers and I've done a bit of work promoting a friend's business in Glasgow.  In my current business, I arrange art classes for groups of girls - mostly hen nights, but also birthday parties, retirement parties and things like that.  This is more about entertainment than education, though, because the girls really just want to have a laugh and see a naked man.  So I'm the centre of attention at these events, where I have to set up drawing challenges, rely on a bit of banter and entertain the girls for an hour or so.  I've had to deal with some tough crowds in the past, and have always managed to do a good job.  So, in varying forums, I am very comfortable with standing up, talking and interacting.  This is not a characteristic that's all that common among autistic people, by the way.  And for me, it's been a learned characteristic rather than a natural one.  I had to overcome some personal challenges along the way.

You can read a bit more about the business here, if you're interested.

There are a variety of things I believe I could do with the right promotion - and they're all things I feel I'm very suited to do, if I can just get started.

I can speak publicly about autism.  I would be giving people a personal insight into the condition and how it applies to me.  This can also cover the general misconceptions and can touch on how some details can vary wildly from one person to another.  There are a lot of people these days who are speaking about autism, but I believe that we should also be able to speak for ourselves.

I can speak about the difficulties in business promotion.  This is something that is particularly relevant to me, because of my own business.  But the employment statistics where they apply to autistic people are disproportionate to where they apply to neurotypicals (that's the word for you "normal" people).   So when an autistic person finds it more difficult and has to overcome more challenges to even get into work at all, then someone like me - with a moderately successful business - is in even more of a minority.

I can speak about my art.  I have a profile here, if you're curious.  This is also relevant to my autism, because it came about as part of what was - quite literally - a life changing experience.  In 2009, I was in a car crash which damaged my shoulder and ended my previous career - a job which was taking up a minimum of sixty hours every week.  When I suddenly found myself with too much free time on my hands, I filled it with digital photography and digital editing.  The car crash in 2009 was a near-death experience and a catalyst for a lot of changes.  That sounds melodramatic, but it's still completely true.

(In fact, all the speaking options touch on 2009 in varying degrees - the relevance of it can't be understated.)

It might also be relevant that I taught myself some video editing techniques using my Mac and made up a couple of videos.  I've posted a couple of them on my YouTube profile.  One of them is a slideshow I made up from pictures of my brain that were taken a few months ago - part of a study in autism.  A couple of them are something I made up with my cousin a few months ago - we had a few drinks, recorded ourselves and I edited the footage a couple of days later.  That one gets a bit sweary, though.  And the others are a couple of musical slideshows I made up.

I know there's a lot in this email - and that it probably sounds pretty chaotic.  And I realise that it's probably outside of what you were discussing last week.  But I'm still hopeful that we can pick up something and make it work.  I hope you get back to me with your thoughts.  I'm keen to see if we can get a project going.

Graham