Bad judgement

This is gradually turning into a sort of journal of self-doubt and paranoia and neuroses, rather than autism.  Like... every time I really screw up on something, or think I've screwed up on something, I start worrying at it and dissecting it and picking it apart.  I can justify its inclusion in an autism journal - barely - by relating it to certain autistic thought processes.  But then I remember that these are thought processes that a lot of people have.  Just... you know... probably that bit more acute in an autistic person.

So then I start wondering just how you measure that sort of thing.  How can you compare the levels of self-doubt I have to the levels of self-doubt you have?

I suppose, though, that I tend to have repetitive thought processes and these can easily trip over into obsessive thought processes.  And that's where the neuroses lie.  And that's when my brain just won't shut up and give me peace.

There are times when one mistake leads to another and another.  The initial mistake is bad enough, but then there are attempts to apologise or to make amends and each time the initial mistake is compounded and ultimately becomes much, much worse.

Sometimes it's impossible to know how to stop screwing up.

Thoughts on the gallery space

This is a recent email to Kobi.  Rather than go through all my thoughts, all over again, just to reproduce them in this posting, I figured it would be more effective to simply cut-and-paste the email.


Hello, Kobi

I'm a bit annoyed at myself.  I've lost the contact details of the producer.  I've forgotten his name, too - is it Andrew?  Anyway, I hope you pass this message on to him.

I'm also annoyed that I've got a bit of creative block with the photographic concept.  It's a little tricky to think of five images that summarise everything coherently.  But I think the key stages would be...

• Massage therapist.  Perhaps an image of me working on someone's back.  My form of therapy was delivered through clothes, on a specially designed chair.  The chair I used was an Oakworks Portal Pro.
• Starting to suspect I had autism.  This is a tricky part.  I'm not sure how to represent it without overacting it or overstating it.  Maybe just a face shot - let people add in their own interpretation.
• Car crash.  A potentially great visual, with some real momentum.  But I don't have a clue how to represent it.  Perhaps a picture of myself and someone standing in for my friend?  Shot through the windshield.  The moment immediately before the crash, where we're both looking tense and frightened - anticipating the impact.  I think it might potentially be too cheesy or cheap or impractical to show the actual impact or aftermath.
• Photoshop and creativity.  Maybe a scene of me sitting at a computer, looking bored.  I don't know - again, this could look cheesy.  It also might look too vague.  But perhaps - like the autism picture - it could let people add their own interpretation.
• Art classes.  A bit of a jump in the narrative, this time.  Leaping forward to things getting better.  But it could still work - and this is the picture that feels easiest to me.  It would just have to be a representation of one of my art classes.  It wouldn't be revealing, but it would hopefully show a moment where everybody appears to be having a lot of fun.

I have some other thoughts, if the format is a flexible one, though.  I was thinking that bits of text could link the pictures.  My own words - I could write things and they could be printed up and displayed next to each picture.  They would elaborate on the story.

I was also thinking that I could select some of my own pictures that could be printed up as well.  I realise that these would probably need to be vetted by yourselves and they would be at my own expense, but I think that if they were printed up postcard sized, they could definitely represent my work.

I might not be able to afford to print a lot of pictures, though.  So perhaps I could set up a digital display of some pictures.  A screensaver kind of effect somewhere would be good.  Perhaps they could be cycled on a projector?  I would love to have more than one projector displaying different types of pictures on different walls, but I'm sure that would be a bit ambitious.  It would surely look cool, though.

I am definitely getting very excited by the way things are going.  And to make sure I've got this straight in my head... I want to go through the format as I understand it -

I meet with the producer to discuss photos.  Then we meet again to actually take the pictures.  Fixers will arrange for a space - a sort of gallery event - to display large copies of the pictures.  I can invite various people along - like family and friends, as well as representatives of Crew 2000, Autism Initiatives and Number 6?  Some other people will be invited along by Fixers.  At this event, at some point, I will be given a platform in which to talk to everyone and generally tell the story of how it all came about.  The space could be the old Forest Cafe, if it's possible to get that building.  But if not, then anther building that has been empty and is a little run-down for some time.

If I've got that broadly right, then I'm definitely excited.  And I'd also like to ask - could the space be available for a little while?  It would be good to have time to get everything set up and to welcome in random passers-by as well as people who have been invited.  So it would be really good if it could be available for more than just the one night.

I'm going to create a dropbox folder with the pictures I took of the Forest Cafe and send you an invitation to view it.  Would you mind forwarding this email - and the dropbox invitation - to the producer?

Thank you.

Graham

Rik Mayall

Another one of my heroes just died.  I've followed Rik Mayall - sporadically - since I was a teenager. The best thing I ever saw star in was The new statesman and I always hoped he'd reprise the role of Alan B'Stard.

It's a sad week.

But you know what?  Fuck that.  In the entire history of Blackadder, his contribution probably didn't even add up to ten minutes - but he stole them.

So let's watch him in his finest ever role...

Kobi and the Producer

The meeting with Kobi and his Producer was interesting, today.  We took the promotion concept into an entirely different direction.  Kobi warned the producer that I had some strong ideas of my own, and I think he said I might be difficult to steer in alternative directions, but I've been flexible from the very start.  It's the message that's important - not the way it's delivered.

So when the Producer (I've forgotten his name) came up with his suggestions, I was initially sceptical, but quickly persuaded.  At first I didn't really get the logistics of it, but the more it was clarified, the more enthusiastic I became.  This is a much, much better idea.

As I understand it - and I might have some of the specifics slightly wrong - we're going to get some still photographs, rather than video.  The pictures are going to tell the story of the last few years.  Massage therapist, car crash, autism diagnosis - leading up to me running the hen night business.  They'll be printed up and put into a display; ideally in an empty building that's been temporarily "reclaimed".  Apparently Edinburgh City Council has some sort of initiative or programme or something to support this kind of thing.

There will be an event.  People will be invited and I'll be there to tell my story, too.  I'll give a talk about everything.  It'll be an opportunity to prove that I can do the public speaking that I really want to get into.

After a while, I remembered the old Forest Cafe.  The original building that's just off Bristo Square.  There was a time I wanted to set it up as a business premises and run things from there.  A cafe or coffee shop downstairs and the art classes upstairs.  One business could promote the other.  Even if I got a partner; someone who would run everything downstairs, while I had dominion upstairs.  I could set it up as a gallery to showcase my own pictures and I could rent it out for yoga classes and various other events.  I had some grand ideas until I did some checking and discovered that the annual rent for the building was a full zero bigger than the highest realistic figure I had anticipated.

So, now I'm lusting after the Forest Cafe.  I really hope they can get it.  It would be an amazing place to hold that event, even if I never set foot in it again, after that.