Mouths

A few years ago, I read a lot of comics. One day, I recognised the work of a specific artist by the way he drew a mouth. The artist was Norm Breyfogle and I developed a liking for his artistic style after that. Then I noticed that I was recognising other artists by the way they drew mouths. Their artistic style could be very distinctive, but it was often the mouths that I noticed first.

A few years later, a friend commented that whenever she spoke to me, if I was concentrating hard, I would focus on her mouth rather than her eyes. She thought it was mildly disconcerting when she first noticed it. I hadn't even realised I did this until she pointed it out.

For a while, it was suggested that I might have some hearing difficulties I hadn't been aware of and that I was subconsciously lip-reading. I checked into this. No... no hearing problems at all, so that's not it.

Early this year, after I got my AS diagnosis, I was told that people on the autistic spectrum often focused specifically on mouths. We have sensory complications at times and so look for any edge we can get. So we watch mouths so as not to miss any nuances in communication.

All this has led me to be very aware of mouths. I have been aware of mouths for a long, long time and can identify specific times in my childhood where I recognised that mouths were different from those I was used to (people from different ethnic or social backgrounds) and was wary or cautious as a result. In art and photography, I focus straight in on them.

I spot the sensual potential in mouths. I spot the potential for cruelty in them. In fact, it's entirely possible that I look to mouths in the same way that other people look to eyes.

So... I might like your mouth a lot. But I might never notice the colour of your eyes. Please don't take it personally.

Confrontation

I'm not good at unexpected confrontation. If something happens unexpectedly and I find myself in a situation I wasn't prepared for, my immediate response is often one of detailed analysis - not reaction. I start to think about what provoked the situation, whether my interpretation of it is accurate, what my response should be... By the time I come up with a response that I think is the correct one, the moment has often passed and it's too late.

Recently, I was in Dusseldorf with my girlfriend, who was Cantonese. We were about to catch a train back to Frankfurt and were a bit early, so we went into a coffee shop. We were sitting at a table, when a young German couple came in and took a table slight to the rear and slightly to the left of us. The guy was behind me, but I could see the girl out of the corner of my eye.

They were talking, while Lucy and I were talking. I had no interest in their conversation. But then they guy said something that cut across our conversation. He didn't raise his voice too much, but it travelled very clearly. He said "Fucking Chinese."

Lucy stayed completely bland and completely serene - a characteristic that I often admired and sometimes found infuriating. She sipped her coffee. I looked at her and said "Was that directed at you?" She shrugged like it didn't matter.

I kept drinking my coffee and thought through the various options.

Should I take issue with the guy on her behalf? I hate doing that - it's offensive and patronising.

Should I stand up and deck the guy? Too caveman. Instantly dismissed.

Should I ignore it? Didn't like that one at all. Made me look like a pussy. Should stand up for my girlfriend. But that leads back to the first option.

This thought process was complicated by other factors I wasn't completely clear on. Was the remark a general part of a general conversation with his girlfriend that had no bearing on or connection to Lucy? What if I stood up and picked a fight and I was completely wrong?

Then the guy was holding his hand in the air and snapping his fingers to catch the attention of the lady at the till. Now, this is something I think is monumentally rude and offensive. Demanding someone's attention in such a way demonstrates that your impression of that person is that they're a minion - a servant who exists merely to do your bidding. It's exerting authority - and, by extension, superiority - over that person. So even if his previous comment had nothing to do with Lucy, he had confirmed himself as being a prick in my opinion.

The girl came over, took care of whatever the situation was and returned to the till. Lucy and I kept drinking our coffees, but the mood was soured for me. I hadn't taken any action at all and I didn't like the fact that I was starting to think of myself as a pussy for not standing up for my girlfriend in the face of a comment that may or may not even have been about her. Although, the chances were good that it was about her.

Then he said it again. And again, it cut across the conversation. And, having been said a second time, I was able to make a clear comparison between this tone and the tone of everything else he had said to his girlfriend. Muted, normal conversation, then occasionally this offensive comment. It was meant to be heard.

I swung round in my seat and looked over at the two of them. She looked up, met my eye and looked away immediately. She was clearly embarrassed and I felt sorry for her. I don't think she was comfortable with this arsehole's company.

He noticed her reaction and swung round in his seat to see what she was looking at. He tried to maintain eye contact, but I stared him down until he crumbled and turned away. After that, I turned back to Lucy. We finished our coffees and left.

Now - like a lot of AS characteristics, I'm not trying to claim that my responses were unique to my condition. There are a lot of NT people out there who would have had a similar crisis to me. They would not have known how to react, so by the time they came to a decision, the moment would have passed for them. But there are plenty more, who would have taken instant action. And in many cases, that action would have been violent or aggressive. The situation would probably have escalated. My action resulted in a standoff that I won, though. I don't claim it was the best action - or even the right one - but I do think that I won a very small victory against a bigoted arsehole.

After we left, it occurred to me - belatedly - that whenever he said "fucking Chinese", he was speaking English. So there was no doubt at all that the comment was directed towards us. He had spoken in a language that we understood, rather than in German. Funny how these things only occur much later.